It's Been...

Today is six months since I said goodbye to my father.  I'm not even really sure to begin.  I've been curious about this day for a while.  Where would I be, how would I be feeling, what would be going on....I wasn't sure what the six month marker would hold for me.

I can't say it's any big surprise, really; I'm here.

Shocking, I know.  It's taken all this time to start feeling...OK?  I've been OK, I guess, but more in terms of not feeling like I'm still in the middle of WWIII and needing to make phone calls every day and feel my stomach churn into a million knots when I heard one more piece of bad news, and not feeling like I needed to fix things, or interpret or feel completely overwhelmed ever day.  Not wondering if I'll get panic phone calls at midnight, or have to step away from work for a half hour consultation with some nit-witted doctor 2,000 miles away.

It's take these past six months to actually feel like I've begun to heal from all of those battle wounds.  I wish I could tell you how mangled I felt walking away from my father's funeral in June.  It felt like I had endured a 9 month long, grueling, painful battle on the front lines with my mother....and my spirit was riddled with bullet holes, limbs were falling off, fingers were frostbitten and black, body completely bruised.  If that gives you any kind of a visual comparison to the way I felt.  True, my father's death was, in a way, a sigh of relief, especially for him to be released from his torture, but also for myself and mother. 

 I felt that sudden weight lifted from my shoulders when I left his room after he passed, but I had no idea it would take this long to begin to heal. 

It's funny that Christmas is upon us, and suddenly, I feel like a little girl who knows she isn't going to get what she wants on Christmas morning, I know it's silly.  Having my father gone is such a keen reminder that life, the whole reason we are sent to earth, is to be tried and tested; to feel hurt, sadness, grief and loss.  My father has always been a part of my Christmas memories, and now he's not here, and that makes me sad, even though I'm celebrating the birth of Christ and the gift of eternal life...I still miss my dad.  

The cold reality of his absence is setting in during the season of Christmas, and somehow, that washes away some of the magic and innocence I remember feeling as a kid.  All of my grandparents are gone, I have none of them left.  And my father is gone.  I'm sure next year will be better, but today especially, I'm thinking of my dad, and this is my first Christmas without him.

To leave this on a happier note, I am grateful for the miracle of Christ's birth, for His life and sacrifice.  I know that through the sealing powers of the temple, I can see my dad again someday.  And it all started with a baby in a humble manger, so very many years ago.

My Sweet Marin

There are little things that I never want to forget about my children, and this little story about Marin is one of them.  Both the kids sleep in the finished portion of the basement, which is really the only place for them.  We only have one other bedroom upstairs besides the master, and I couldn't put one kid up there and one all alone down in the basement.  But, having them both down there is ok.  They have each other and are such good buddies.  

The other morning, we let the kids up to get the breakfast, etc., and Marin told us that during the night, Owen had been scared and went in to her room and woke her up.  Marin then took him back to his room, tucked him and, gave him a backrub and sang primary songs to him (like mama, she said).  That totally and completely melted my heart.  She is growing up so fast, right before my eyes, that sometimes I don't see the little things about her that I need to see.  

As mom's we see the things that need to be done/cleaned/fed/washed/prepped/etc., and we can forget to listen to the sounds of life, the sound of our children growing, the sound of moments we'll never hear ever again.  We can see the pictures, and capture the surface emotion, but unless we listen, we'll never appreciate the moment for what it's really worth.

I'm still working on that, by the way.  But as Marin related to me how she cared for her little brother that night, my heart swelled with love, gratitude, pride, appreciation....all of those good feelings.  I love my little Marin.  She is such a sweetheart.  She is such a little mama.  She loves taking care of things, and has the best intentions at heart.  I don't know what I would do without my sweet girl.  

While she also blasts me every minute of every day with questions, I try to remember that curiosity is a wonderful thing.  Besides, I wouldn't have my little Marin any other way.

A Cat, A Pie, and A Picture.

OK,  time to catch up on the blogging, eh?  The weather has been snowy, and I think we've hunkered down a bit.  It's been great, just a perfect time to snuggle up and be inside and warm while the frosty wind rips through the streets outside.

Here's our little snowman friend, we have a set of four, and they are perfect for hot cocoa.  Look how happy he is!  Especially with a big fat marshmallow!

 My chicken ladies!  Yes, they are surviving in this bitter cold.  I was a little worried for a few days when the temperature hit almost ZERO at night, but they all seemed to survive.  Their cute little henhouse must work pretty well, there a few little cracks that made me worried, but I don't think the drafts/winds were whipping through, so they must have stayed relatively toasty.

 Today I took a few treats out to them, some raw oatmeal and quinoa and some raisins.  It give them something to do.  And hey, who can resist a fluffy chicken butt?

 I think for next year, I'll work on getting them a larger covered chicken run, mostly for rainy and especially winter days.  After getting about 7 inches of snow yesterday, the ladies stay pretty much underneath the henhouse, which is fine, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind a few extra feet of roaming room.

 Get a load of this gorgeous winter-scape outside my kitchen window.  It looks too amazing to be real, I know!  Icicles, mountains and trees covered in snow, pale blue winter sky.

 I have no idea how this snow-fall feature came to be, buuut it looks pretty, no?

 A headless cookie, courtesy of Owen.

 Cookies!!  We made a bunch of cookies for the firefighters up the street, and took them today.

 Here are the kids in their full cookie-decorating glory, they did a great job.  Marin is just so creative!  Owen still needs some assistance.

 Marin drew this for the firefighters.  She draws the absolute sweetest pictures, they just melt my mama heart.  These are the Hallmark pictures right here, folks.  It's a picture of her and Owen selling balloons by our house.  Oh, I am just dying with how cute this is!  She gave this picture to the firefighters today.

And here were they kids today at the firehouse.  The firemen were so sweet to let us come in and see the trucks and take a picture with the kids.  Now that we know the size of their posse, we'll have to bring back more treats again.

Our little house!  Kristoffer and I put lights up the day before temperatures went glacier, and I think they look pretty cute for a 4 hour job! 

 The front door!  I love our soft/bright yellow door.  Especially with all of this snow and gray, it's totally a little rectangle of sunshine on a cold wintry day.  I had so many wreaths, I'm not sure how I ended up with so many wreaths, but I didn't have any extra cash for any kind of decorations, so I used what I had.  four wreaths, a little fake tree, and two miniature evergreens.  I think it's looks cute!

 Daddy and Owen reading Thomas Monson's Christmas Train story.  Owen is all boy and loves all things with an engine, so this train story, he loves it.  We have a small collection of Christmas books, and I'd like to make it a tradition to get a new Christmas book every season.

 This is our mostly finished Christmas advent/service calendar.  Instead of treats every day, I wanted to focus on service...you know, what Christmas is actually about?  It's been great, and while there are some days when we don't get to that particular service, it's still been absolutely wonderful getting my kids involved with helping and doing nice things for other people.  For sure a tradition we will continue.

 Our little tree....with all the ornaments at the bottom.  The kids decorated pretty much the whole thing, and I let them.  After only 5 years, I've learned to just let it go.  It's not a mess, it's not dirty, it's just the kids being little and doing what they think makes a tree lovely.  So there the ornaments stay, and I kind of like it that way.

 This is the kind of picture mama gets when both kids have gone the whole day without naps and are hopped up on ice cream.  We went to see Frozen, and Marin loved it, Owen really liked it too.  It was pretty cute.  We tried to get a picture with a statue of Olaf, the snowman, and here you see Owen gazing up close at Olaf, and Marin playing dead...or half dead....

My mama came to town the day before Thanksgiving and we took her to the opening night of lights on Temple Square.  It was perfect, not too cold, and Kristoffer, who works on the 17th floor of the Zion's building, took us up to the 18th floor for this incredible view.  The lights may be pretty, but the TEMPLE will always be the shining star.

 So pretty.

 Oh, how I love the temple.

 A place of love and beauty....

 Look at my sweet girl, she's such a sweetheart,

 Can we see the water, mama?  Can we please??

 Before seeing the lights, we went to Brio at City Creek.  Totally a splurge, totally worth it.  We had a great time.

 Me and my mama.

 This is what happens on the first take.  Mom is trying to get a picture of Owen and not paying attention....

Marin and daddy.

 Marin and Owen playing on Grandma's kindle...Grandma left on Saturday after Thanksgiving and went to HAWAII!!!  I know!!!  She needed and totally deserved to go.  SO glad she went.

Thanksgiving desserts:  cheesecakes with salted caramel....all homemade baby, soooo delish.

 And look how pretty!  Maple pumpkin pie with pecan brittle.  YUM!!

I signed up to help make some costumes for the stake Christmas play.  Aye yai yai, that was a thorn in my side.  I am *not* a seamstress...I only signed up to help out of pity...and the costumes stressed me out, and it was waaaaay more a time commitment than I had planned for.  I didn't realize I had to be there for dress rehearsals to put the kids into and take them out of costume.  That's tough when your hubby works at night and you have your kids with you later than their bedtime.  It all worked out though, and the show went on without a hitch.

 The kids went to a birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese and had a blast.  It's a little different than it was 20 years ago when I went!

 They did maintain one old school robotic Chuck for good measure.

A few weeks ago, I made a big fat race car track out of painters tape for the kids in the front room.  They totally dug it.  Marin loved to decorate it, and Owen loved to race the cars around it.

 My babies sitting on the window seat looking at the birds in the tree.

 Oh my sweet girl.  She has such a soft spot for animals.  She got off the bus the other day...it stops at the next house down and Kristoffer and I watched her cross the street, stop to pet the cat, pick up the big fat black cat and lug it home.  We do not own a cat, but Marin, bless her little heart, wanted this kitty to have a new home.

 This cat was half as big as she was.

Phew, I hope you're not overwhelmed!!  That was a lot, hopefully it won't be so long next time.