Monday, January 23, 2012

More Capacity

I was incredibly touched by a Relief Society lesson we had on Sunday, and I feel I need to write it down so I don't forget what I learned.  Lately, I've kind of been struggling with....just...keeping up.  And feeling like I'm keeping on top of life.  I've felt incredibly imbalanced, and while I'm sure some of that is due to weaning and crazy hormones, some of it is due to a concept I've been pondering about. 

 I know I have a loving Heavenly Father, and I know He lives and wants me to be happy, but I've had such a hard time thinking that my Heavenly Father, and my Saviour Jesus Christ, could actually know what it's like to be a wife and mom.  Since, they've never actually been a wife or mom.  I understand they know our feeling and thoughts, but it was so challenging for me to think that they could understand my frustrations as a wife and mother.  I'm sure this sounds ridiculously silly.  I know our Heavenly Father is omnipotent and all knowing.  I know He sees all.  I know Christ suffered for our sins, for our pain.  But, at the end of the day...they are still, not women.  How can this knowledge and understanding extend to things that are felt, by women, in a womanly way? 

The truth is, I'm still kind of grappling with this.  I know that feelings are not exclusive to women, I get that, but can a man, even our loving Father, understand a womanly circumstance in it's true form?  At the very least, I have evolved to reminding myself that our Heavenly Father has a wife, our Heavenly Mother, and for some reason, this gives me so much comfort.  I often forget that I have a Heavenly Mother who loves me, and who really *has* been in my shoes, and has been there and knows and understands.  Perhaps this is why we can't make it to Celestial Glory without an eternal marriage?  It must take a man and woman to make a perfect knowledge of understanding of all things. 

So, these ponderings and maybe the winter weather and weaning and running on the metaphorical hamster wheel all kind of weighed me down.  They made me wonder how I was supposed to flourish, when I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water.  How I was expected to give and be more, when I felt like I barely had enough to give to my husband and my kids (I know I'm not alone in this!).  So, on Sunday, part of the lesson touched on this subject, and made my eyes well with tears, just knowing that I'm not the only one who struggle with being enough.  And, after the teacher highlighted all of what I was struggling with, she said that the answer was to pray for...capacity.  Capacity to do all that we need to do and to be able to serve more.  Capacity to be open to receiving the Lord's strength and be filled with more and know that we can do more.  Capacity to allow ourselves to breathe and know that our satchels will not be overloaded and we only need to pray for more room....more, capacity.  This really touched me that Sunday morning.  The Sunday morning we were late to church and had a dead battery in one car, and needed to shovel icy snow off of our other car just to make it to church.  The Sunday I almost took a very sleepy baby boy home for a nap.  I was so glad I found some strength that Sunday.  And, I hope that maybe in 20ish years or so, my daughter can read this and be strengthened as well.


Tabitha said...

Oh I sooooo know what you are talking about. I never thought that I would be THIS crazy busy with just one kid. Add in my calling as Primary President, and my husband being pretty much unavailable between studying for tests and teaching seminary and that leaves me one stressed out, overwhelmed, feeling like I'm not doing enough, chickie-poo. Finding a balance and feeling like others truly understand is so hard. But, remember, God gave you WOMEN around you who do understand and empathize with you. I love you sis, and I know (minus the whole second kid thing) exactly what you are feeling. I also know that prayer works. I have been forced to pray for extra strength and it's been so good for me because the increase in peace is exponential--way more than the actual discouragement that I feel. At least, when I can convince myself to stop and feel the peace. Anyway, you're awesome and you're a great example to your big sis. Keep your chin up. You'll look back and be so grateful that Heavenly Father "forced" you to pray for greater capacity.

Scotty and Emi said...

I am finally coming out of this. And there's no guarantee to stay out! President Uchtdorf's last talk was amazing--we are not meant to be perfect right this second. We do our best and the atonement covers the rest.